The Id, Ego and Sueperego versus Settled, Sketch and Flaky


The Id, Ego, and Superego vs. Settled, Sketch, and Flaky

Who is truly at fault when a third party enters a marriage and it's destroyed?

While I admit my own biases will inevitably surface, I will attempt to keep them in check. Marriage—strictly defined here as a committed agreement between two people, is built on mutual choice. When one spouse or parter steps out, they single-handedly break that foundational pact. If the couple chooses to stay together, the logical step isn't a grand public ceremony; it's a private recommitment, a quiet decision, a shared dinner, intimacy, and moving forward.

The core debate, however, remains: Who bears the blame, the partner who broke the promise, or the outsider who knowingly intervened?

My take: Both are to blame. The third party does not get to walk away unscathed simply because they "didn't make a vow."

Consider basic societal norms. We operate under unwritten agreements every day—what we call basic manners or common decency. For instance, if you need to pass gas in a crowded room, courtesy dictates stepping away rather than subjecting everyone to it. Similarly, knowingly becoming a third wheel or intruding on someone else's partnership reflects a fundamental lack of ethics and basic respect for others.

To understand the dynamics of infidelities, we can map the three individuals involved to Freud's structural model of the psyche:

1. Settled (The Id)

  • The Role: The betrayed partner.

  • Psychological Profile: Passive, reactive, and driven by baseline survival in the relationship.

  • Mindset: Settled moves only when forced by direct impact. They rationalize red flags with "every couple has problems" and hold on out of habit or hope, believing the right words or a quick fix will restore order. They operate under high stress, often oblivious to the impending collision until it hits them head-on.

2. Sketch (The Ego)

  • The Role: The cheater.

  • Psychological Profile: Self-centered, thrill-seeking, and emotionally detached.

  • Mindset: Sketch uses relationships as a playground for ego validation. Driven by a constant need for external desire, they crave dysfunction and will actively create chaos to feel alive. They are often careless—almost daring their partner to catch them. If their partner attempts to leave, Sketch will weep, beg, and manipulate to regain control. Once trust is restored or a semblance of trust, the stakes are raised, and the cycle repeats until they grow bored and move on to their next fix.

3. Flaky (The Superego)

  • The Role: The home-wrecker / Third party.

  • Psychological Profile: Cynical, boundary-pushing, and opportunistic.

  • Mindset: Flaky operates under a distorted moral framework, deflecting guilt with excuses like "I didn't make any vows." Driven by deep-seated trust issues—often rooted in past rejection or early exposure to infidelity—they preemptively destroy relationships before they can be hurt. They justify their destructive behavior by claiming they are "just keeping it real," or "living their best life," and that every partner eventually cheats anyway.

The Interlocking Cycle

Settled, Sketch, and Flaky exist in a shared, codependent ecosystem. They feed off one another's instability, trapped in behavioral patterns dictated by whichever archetype dominates their psyche.

Ultimately, our behavior reflects what we choose to nurture. As the saying goes: the thing that grows is the thing you feed. If you want a healthier dynamic, feed your integrity; if you want to eliminate toxic cycles, stop giving them sustenance.

Call me if you need to talk.

with Better Decisions comes Better Health

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