My Experience with COVID 19

Today is August 6th, 2023, and I’m hopefully on the tail end of COVID, and this is my experience. I went to the doctor on Monday, July 31st, because I felt horrible. I felt like warm death. I’m not sure how warm death feels, but I’m sure the way I felt is exactly how it feels. I was lying in bed and trying to work between clients. I’m a licensed counselor, and I said, “Gurl, take yo azz to the doctor.” I eventually canceled the rest of the day, drove myself to urgent care, and was told it was COVID; I thought it was just a cold, fever, or something simple. I told the NP, “I thought COVID was over.” I didn’t really think that, but I kinda sorta did. She said, no, it’s not over; I was given a prescription for PAXLOVID and began taking it that night; I took the prescription by the instructions in the pamphlet.  The first night after beginning the medication, I had chills and coughing. I switched between hot and cold like a light switch. By the second day on the medication, the chills stop

Are you living in an alternate reality? - Functioning inside of Dysfunction

Imagine the possibility of each of us operating in our own reality. To show this, draw a straight line on a piece of paper. The bottom would be your birth, and the top would be death. The middle is where you are right now. If we were to exist on this continuum, then our lives would mimic the ideal. Now imagine that every time something happened to us, that was difficult to process. It kicked us off the “straight and narrow.” The new path becomes a reality at that time, altered by that life event. Every time something happens, this pushes us further from our true selves.  The version that was the most authentic becomes altered. Failing to regroup puts us in this faux reality. Imagine existing in this faux-reality since the age of five. You may not even know how to re-group at this point. And because everyone has different life experiences and milestones, everyone has a different faux-reality. Now compare how people in society relate to each other.    Imagine if trauma, accidents, abuse,

Are you fighting for a different position in someone else's head?

Is there anything worse than respecting someone, adoring their demeanor, acknowledging their accomplishments, and loving everything about them, and then hearing that they don't hold you in the same regard? To spend time and energy trying to relocate your position in their head? This can be a defeating task. There is no winning in this fight; because if you happen to move to a better position, the haunting thought of why you were held in such disregard can keep you awake at night. Categories and labels are how we sort life. Many say they don't like labels but aren't they necessary? Say you travel. You decide to try a local dish. You cannot pronounce it. You taste it anyway. Your partner asks you the inevitable, "what does it taste like?" Now it tastes like nothing you've ever tasted, but you cannot say that, so you say, "it tastes like chicken." Now there is a connection. Now, they may try it. Let's call the person in the first paragraph your ment

Is there a right or wrong?

The dysfunction of society when someone makes a decision, and the ridicule that follows. Not because it was a wrong decision but because there are rules and laws in place that state that that decision is unacceptable under all circumstances. The moralistic crossroad that one must endure to either not make the decision or make it and die internally for eternity. There is no choice for some, either way. Rules are rules. Accepting the position of the martyr, some do with pride, though the outcome can be destitute or shame. However, both had the option of a team that would commend quietly and not hold liable for following the ‘rules,' or one that would congratulate for following the rules, but moralistically and socially it is suicide. All the while constantly reminding of ‘not doing anything wrong’ becomes the background noise of the psyche. Then comes the praise, but legal battles to defend morals and to have extended basic decency.  When faced with a decision on this level there is

Daily goal setting, regurgitating known behavior

What are you doing tomorrow? What did you do today? What did you do yesterday? I never knew how important daily goal setting was until I began adulting. Before I started taking daily goal setting seriously, I would have all good intentions for the next day. I would contemplate on what I would do, how much I could get accomplished and how effective I would be. That is until I was on my way home from work the next day and began to regurgitate my time only to realize that I could not remember one thing that I had accomplished or completed. Now that would not be difficult if I was working for someone else. I would be held accountable. However, working for myself and knowing that that empty feeling would be a direct reflection on my bank account motivated me, but it did not ignite me.  What ignited me was being tired of feeling like I had done nothing with my life that day. Like my greatest accomplishment was waking up and driving to work and driving home. Our feelings help motivate us, the

Who's channel are you on?

 Who's channel are you on?  Imagine that as we move throughout our day, and every emotional space that you encounter was a different channel. Imagine how many other channels you'd witness throughout your day. Now imagine how many different channels you experienced personally in one day. Knowing how to manage your emotions and being mindful of what you're adding to or taking away from the conversation is knowing if you're joining or changing channels.  Knowing your partner and how they respond to anxiety is knowing what channel they are on. If you engage with them on their level, you just entered their channel. Keep in mind that your partner can be anyone. Your co-worker, parent, sibling, relative, or even a stranger. The different channels are synonymous with happy, sad, frustrated, angry, mad, joyous, inviting, stand-offish, depressed, anxious, stressed, grieving, and many others.  This week's goal is to self-evaluate and know what channel you're on and who'

Who appointed you the gatekeeper of emotions or mental health?

  There is somehow a consensus that emotions, feelings, and thoughts of suicide belong only to the down and trodden. Those who have suffered in some way, and not just regular suffered, suffered to where you have experienced financial hardship, been classified as needy, or have somehow not measured up to society's standards. there is a belief that those that have, or the right or wealthy, have no right or reason to feel what "normal people" feel. I'm wondering out loud, who appointed anyone as the gatekeeper of fallen emotions or suicidal thoughts? Who said that those who have experienced a come-up cannot partake in feeling proud, living a better life, or moving to where they can preserve their safety, lifestyle, or sanity?  I sit with my mouth gaped when I read, "what do (insert any name) have to be upset about? They have millions; what are they complaining about? Or, "I'm sure that because of their background that they'll be BBQs on the white house