Trust


Trust shouldn't be given away by default; it needs to be earned through careful observation and by aligning words with behavior. When you trust the wrong person, the fallout can alter how you relate to the entire world and derail your sense of self. Shifting your focus from freely offering trust to actively vetting people protects both your peace and your judgment.

Vetting is simply asking: How is this person demonstrating that they deserve my trust? Pay attention to key behavioral patterns:

  • Daily Conduct: What is their work ethic, and how do they interact with strangers?

  • Interpersonal Respect: How do they treat family, friends, and service staff when out to dinner?

  • Emotional Regulation: How do they behave when annoyed or upset? Do they lash out, or do they bottle it up? Both extremes are volatile and signal a lack of safety.

True trust means believing who someone is without relying on empty promises. Crucially, it requires that you stop writing excuses or fictional narratives to justify their behavior. Believe what you see, not the story you're telling yourself. When you ignore reality to construct your own narrative, you erode faith in your own judgment, making it harder to trust yourself in the future. Allow people to show you who they are—and believe them when they show you who they aren't.

Ultimately, trust is a decision. Just as you choose to grant it, you can choose how to handle it when it’s broken. And trusting someone who turns out to be untrustworthy simply means that, for whatever reason, you either choose to believe they were better than what they presented, you actively decided that what you were seeing there was another version of them that you chose to either create or reveal, or they lied to you until they couldn't any longer. 

We lie to ourselves about people who mistreat us not out of foolishness, but out of self-preservation. When someone's actions are toxic, hurtful, or malicious, accepting that reality requires us to dismantle how we view them, how we view ourselves, and how we view the safety of the world around us. To bridge that uncomfortable gap, our minds build protective fictions. 

The False Narrative of Control
Admitting that someone is genuinely harmful means acknowledging that you cannot fix, change, or reason with them. Believing they are just "misunderstood," "going through a tough phase," or "reacting to past trauma" gives you a false sense of control. It creates the illusion that if you just adapt enough, explain better, or love them harder, you can produce a safe outcome. 

Cognitive Dissonance and Investment 
When you have invested time, care, emotional energy, or trust into someone, your mind desperately wants that investment to pay off. Admitting they are untrustworthy creates psychological friction - cognitive dissonance. To resolve that pain, it feels far easier to rewrite their motives ("They didn't mean it that way") than to face the grief and loss of accepting who they actually are.) 

Fear of Self-Doubt and Fallout 
Accepting that someone is unsafe often forces an uncomfortable realization: I trusted the wrong person. Because admitting a lapse in judgment feels like an attack on your own intuition, you might defend their character just to protect faith in your own judgment. Furthermore, accepting the truth usually requires taking hard action, setting rigid boundaries, walking away, or facing conflict, which carries an immediate emotional cost. 

Reestablishing safety after a betrayal requires setting firm, clear boundaries, being direct about expectations moving forward, and having the courage to follow through on your consequences. 

How to Break the Pattern 

Separate Explanation from Justification: Understanding why someone behaves poorly (their past, their stress) does not make their behavior safe or acceptable. 

Believe Patterns, Not Promises: Look exclusively at consistent behavior over time rather than words, potential, or apologies. 

Grieve the Potential: Let go of who you wished they were, why they pretended to be, and interact strictly with who shows in reality. 

Rebuild trust in yourself. When you trust yourself, it's easier to see when others aren't trustworthy. And once you see what's before you, believe what you see. 

with Better Decisions comes Better Health 



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